Introverted. Intuitive. Feeling. Perceiving.

On siblingity.

2011-01-18T01:17:00.004+11:00

I'm mad.

I'm mad that things can't stay the same.

I'm mad that leaving home is the only choice for you.

I'm mad that you can't trust your own father.

I'm mad that you can't be happy for me.

I'm mad that it has to always be your way.

I'm mad there's noone else but me.

I'm mad you grew up this way.

I'm mad that I care too much for you.

I'm mad that i have to cry each time you do.

Milestone.

2010-12-16T00:44:00.001+11:00

17th December 2010.

2pm.

One veterinary science degree.

DR Carmen Lee.

Update. Downdate.

2010-09-21T22:58:00.002+10:00

Reading back on old posts I scare myself. If i were an outsider reading this blog I'd make myself feel uncomfortable. Does that mean I've changed? For one I STOPPED crying everyday. I STOPPED worrying if some particular significant other is staying or leaving or if i've seen him naked with someone else. (He's staying.)

Now that I have the benefit of hindsight I probably had too much time on my hands, and too much space to think, and I wasn't happy with what I was doing with my life. Now that I'm deep into my internship and am intellectually challenged on a daily basis...I don't have time to think/worry/obsess about my insecurities and personal life. The few minutes a day I spend talking to a person on the phone is someone I actually do want to speak to - and the conversation becomes so much more personal. I get up at 7 , I work 12 hours, I go home, I do work related reading/tv watching till 11. Then it's like clockwork day in day out. I don't waste time throwing tantrums on the weekends because they are precious - coffee and cooking is such a wiser way of spending it then wallowing in self pity. Maybe the mundane uni life was making me moody. Who knows.

Bottom line...I'm in a much happier place right now - and now that i've said that i've probably jinxed myself. This year I've found myself in my work and find pride and satisfaction in what i do - through the successes and mistakes. This is something I know I was made for...the adrenaline and the high from cutting into a body cavity and problem solving and the looking for answers is what I have spent the last few years for. I'm sailing a fast ship and am not about to slow down anytime. I am made to work. You may check back in a few years and I'm slumping in this little corner of a blog in my failures as a medical professional but for now I'm on an incline. Things change and fluctuate - I change and fluctuate. I try to define myself but I can't put myself down to one person, one form, one identity. Check back in a few decades. I'll have even more benefit of hindsight then. If you're still around.

INTROVERTED. Intuitive. Feeling. Perceiving.

2010-06-05T11:59:00.000+10:00

How do you go back to someone...

2010-06-05T11:45:00.001+10:00

...whom you've seen naked with someone else?

In two months.

2010-01-26T01:57:00.003+11:00

I went through a period of high-ness and happiness and security and thoughts about marriage and life.

Then once he leaves for 3 weeks, I crash. Again.

It doesn't help that I'm a listening ear to someone who's in a relationship who is strangely in the same cosmic plane as I am:
Both of us got together with our partners in the same month.
Both of us went through the same length of a relationship.
Both of us had one partner go away for 5 weeks to Sydney.

But yet his relationship had turned for the worse when the respective partner's clinginess backfired and she decided she didn't need him anymore. Tonight, after hearing his story, I wonder if I'm watching my own train-wreck that is about to happen. Will he decide that one day? Does it really take one day?

A friend I had coffee with today asked me what if he proposed this year. Or next year. And I was dumbfounded. I thought I wanted it. But I didn't trust myself. And my coffee friend read panic on my face. That upset me. I thought I was meant to yell 'Yes! Of course!' But I didn't. I am cautious. I am non trusting. And then it deteriorated towards the end of the day where I became bitter. And I said some hurtful things to people. And I had some hurtful thoughts about myself. And just like that. The 2 months of optimism and high-ness and happiness and security crumbled in a rubbled heap in my heart.

No doubt, I am PMSing, but could hormones prevail over structured logical thought? Feelings seem too fickle and fleeting and not based on cold hard facts. Who do you talk to about these things without feeling foolish? Today i even woke up at 7 in the morning just to go jogging to get some endorphins going. And when that didn't work I just plunged into the pool and went swimming instead. 2 hours later I was knackered but did not want to sleep. 4 hours later it was dinner time but I was not hungry. What does one do to fight themselves, it is a losing battle.

There is probably one person I can think of who might save me from myself. But he does not get back till after Valentine's day. 3 weeks is long when one is fighting themselves. One day is long enough. I wish I could just close my eyes and get to the end, but that would be cowardly. So mean while I have little choice but to learn to cope and piss some people off in the mean time.

I'm not mad. I'm just voicing out the feelings that people are afraid to share. I cope like everyone else. I just put more thought than I should and pay more attention the the little details than what is good for me.

It's officially true...

2009-11-19T01:23:00.000+11:00

You really do feel stoned when you get stoned.

Hmm.

I am truly fucked up.

2009-11-14T13:33:00.001+11:00

I am undeniably un-gifted in making people and myself happy.

Resurrection. Part 2 after I was interrupted.

2009-10-04T07:38:00.003+11:00

I had this really intense dream about zim cheating on me.

You know how dreams are sometimes fuzzy and you don't see a whole lot of detail?

Mine wasn't. It was clear as day.

The cruel thing was that he brought me to the fast food chain that the stupid slut was working at. I didn't realise that that was his way of trying to tell me that he was cheating on me. She kept sitting across from him (me to his right) and talking to him in this endearing japanese. The whole time he didn't say a single word. She was fetching drinks for him and just gazing at him the whole time i was glaring at him. Reached a certain point I got up and out and she followed me. I spun around and was yelling at her 'what the fuck are you doing?' Then I started pushing her and pinching her till tears well up in her eyes - but i couldn't bring myself to be rougher on her - she was the pale skinny doe eyed eyeliner laden type. By this point zim had come out of the fast food chain and was looking on. 'Is this what you always do?! Is this what you do! How many relationships do you want to break up already?!' She put a pale hand to her mouth and turned to zimmy who touched the top of her head and slid his hand down to her pony tail. She offered her pinky to him, like a secret handshake, and he took it. 'What does that mean!!! What does that mean!'

I woke up sobbing heavily, feeling out of control and betrayed.

The next morning I made zim apologise to me for the dream. We laughed about it. But here I am at 7 on a Sunday morning feeling the tightness in my chest and the tears welling up in my eyes. Feeling worried.

I try to think things through logically. And I wish I weren't that delusional. Some part of me feels like i'm abnormal - and i'm willing myself to be normal and think sane. Normal = oblivious to my surging emotions? I don't know where the mood swings come from, and i'm told everyone feels it. But if they could put a scale to it, mine would be from here to mars and back. It's such a relationship wrecker. Zim's been pretty patient with me so far - there'll be a day where he won't. Everyone loses it from time to time.

Talk about the fear of losing someone. I think mine has manifested into a phobia. It almost undermines the person itself - I'm more afraid about being cheated on than about losing that particular person itself. Selfish bitch much? Let's blame it on something.

Resurrection.

2009-10-04T07:35:00.003+11:00

You know how some girls cry for no apparent reason?

I cry for no apparent reason almost every day.

I wonder sometimes if I'm sick in the head or something. My tear glands are ultra sensitive and I won't be surprised if they were hyperplasic.

I've got the swine flu.

2009-07-02T23:54:00.002+10:00

Just came back from an abattoir placement at Yanco 2 days ago and fell pretty ill pretty quickly. One of the girls whom I went with, ate with, slept with, was in the same car with, tested positive for it and by association, I am swine flued. (made up word)

I was given Tamiflu and when I wikipedia-ed it I found out that one of the major side effects of Tamiflu was neurological signs. Like self harm and abnormal behaviour and hallucinations. Well I personally am feeling very high levels of irritability which conveys on to the boyfriend, who believes it is a psychological issue. What an irony.

Which leads me to my rant about how I have had in the past 24 hours extremely high levels of irritance (another made up word) from the relationship between my friends and the boyfriend. My friends, now, instead of texting or messaging me, are starting to do it via the bf. And for whatever reason it is that it irritates me I'm still unclear. Insecurity? Tamiflu? Insecurity heightened by the Tamiflu? You be the judge.

As for my health, I still feel wheezy but at least the fever is gone (we had a fight about how I was feeling cold and wanted to keep warm but he insisted we blew a fan in my face - I told him i needed a boyfriend not a father). I am not going to die because of swine flu but the main concern is me spreading it to someone who is going to and hastening that process.

Anyway thus ends my bitter neurological post. Who'd knew after so many years the bitch in me could come back so quickly just like that. ....Or it could be the Tamiflu.

It takes everything in my power...

2009-06-24T10:41:00.004+10:00

to STOP LOOKING AT MY IPHONE!!!!

Despite many doubtful comments, I got it for a STEAL from ebay for AUD 570, half of which is sponsered by Zimmybhai because in effect while he was trying to tweak my htc Diamond it died right in the palm of his hand. RIP :(

Quick update on what's happening if anyone is ever interested anymore...I'm taking my LAST exam in Sydney campus tmr...thereafter is a whirlwind of things happening of winter which kind of includes me and 3 mates taking an 8 hour road trip for our abattoir placement, moving to the country for my large animal lectures/pracs, going to brisbane for choob's graduation, zimmybhai's family visit, and me missing out on Tetsuya for zimmybhai's birthday.

What's Tetsuya? It's one of St-friggin-Pellegrino's top 10 restaurants in the world! 13 course AUD195 pp of grastronomical orgasm. :( One day i'll be back for ya, my japanese delight.

In more depth, am I happier? ...Yea
Do I still cry a lot? ...Yea
Am I more confident? ...Sure
Do I still believe in relationships? ...Sometimes more than others

But you know what? I'm still trying.

It's hard...this events that have been thrown in my path. But i'm barging on. I'm going to be a vet. I'm going to get married. I'm going to STAY married.

Other minor details?
Family's moved! Northoak @ Admiralty.

Kinda sad considering I spent a large part of my life @ CCK, falling in love, playing ball, roaming the streets, studying @ Mac. It's kinda weird not living there so close to the people who became a huge part of my life. But i suppose love will conquer the distance, albeit being cliche.

Back to Surgery! Ta!

Turning the wet side on the pillow down.

2009-06-07T10:48:00.001+10:00

One feels dumb after throwing hissy fit for being stressed.

Bags a pretty.

2009-04-27T11:03:00.003+10:00

Leather is yummy.

Sometimes...

2009-04-26T21:48:00.002+10:00

Dreams that I have make me feel like a forgotten child.

I take back what I said about me being an awesome mum.

I think I might be a bitter selfish rendition of my mother who constantly wants to push people away.

It's hard to be so pessimistic when you're in a relationship. I'm great at messing things up it's hard to kick the habit.

I think it might be a sick addiction.

This darkness irks me. I'm irked by my darkness. Dark and damaged. Yuck.

All this boils down to me wanting a mother. Not someone to birth me. But someone to mother me.

Good news, I'm not pregnant.

2009-04-08T22:25:00.001+10:00

But I'd still like to know it's more than just me being Singaporean and quitting smoking.

Forgive, forget and receive many presents.

2009-04-06T10:36:00.004+10:00

That mouldy bread in the corner of the cupboard?
Spoilt.

Like me.

Pardon the rave but I just returned from a Coldplay concert last week.

2009-03-12T21:48:00.001+11:00

The hardest part.

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
Was the hardest part

And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet, I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the cloud
Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
You really broke my heart

And I tried to sing
But I couldn’t think of anything
And that was the hardest part

I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
You're a silver lining the clouds
Oh and I
Oh and I
I wonder what it’s all about
I wonder what it’s all about

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do, it's just comes undone
And everything is torn apart

Oh and it’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part
Yeah that’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part

Coldplay is so good when you're broken.

I've been missing.

2009-03-10T19:36:00.002+11:00

I'm never alone now.

I can't remember the last time I was alone.
You're in my face, getting in my way, sleeping in my bed and talking to me.

And i'm fighting you wildly, pushing you away, keeping my secrets.
And you're questioning and probing and pushing and prodding.
And yet I can't stop being with you.

Maybe because the world is worse out there.
And although I cry and complain throw a fit at your invasion,
I know that it's still better to cry and complain and throw a fit in your arms...
...than to be alone.

Sunshine after the rain, that's what you are.

2009-02-26T13:33:00.002+11:00

Eureka!

2009-02-26T03:48:00.004+11:00

Someone finally has balls to tell me:

You think too much.
This thought process is not needed.
It's too much.
You're mean to yourself.
Stop thinking so much into every single little thing.
Your thoughts are so negative.
Making you see things positively takes so much.
And it doesn't even last.

All I had to say was: "I'm sorry."
Pathetic.

Let's stay together till we're fat and wrinkly.

2009-02-26T02:41:00.000+11:00

Please don't leave me - Pink

2009-02-25T03:59:00.000+11:00

Please don't leave me
Oh please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me.

Herman Tan Jia Wei!!!

2009-02-24T03:28:00.000+11:00

I hate that I'm going to miss your wedding. :(

T-shirt - Shontelle.

2009-02-23T03:36:00.001+11:00

hey, let me tell you know.
ohhhh baby.
trying to decide, trying to decide if i, really wanna go out tonight.
i never used to go out without ya, not sure i remember how to.
gonna be late gonna be late but, all my girls gon have to wait cause, i don't know if i like my outfit.
i tried everything in my closet.

nothing feels right when im not with you, sick of this dress and these Jimmy Choos.
taking them off cause i feel a fool, trying to dress up when im missing you.
ima step out of this lingerie, curl up in a ball with something Hanes.
in bed i lay, with nothing but your T-shirt on.
oh, with nothing but your T-shirt on.

hey, gotta be strong gotta be strong but i'm, really hurting now that you're gone.
i thought maybe i'd do some shopping, but i couldn't get past the door and, now i don't know now i don't know if i'm, ever really gonna let you go and i, couldn't even leave my apartment.
im stripped down torn up about it.

nothing feels right when im not with you, sick of this dress and these Jimmy Choos.
taking them off cause i feel a fool, trying to dress up when im missing you.
ima step out of this lingerie, curl up in a ball with something Hanes.
in bed i lay, with nothing but your T-shirt on.
(i'm all by myself with)with nothing but your T-shirt on
ohhh, with nothing but your T-shirt on
(cause i miss you, cause i miss you) with nothing but your T-shirt on.
(said i miss you baby)

trying to decide, trying to decide if i, really wanna go out tonight.
i couldn't even leave my apartment, i'm stripped down torn up about it.

nothing feels right when im not with you, sick of this dress and these Jimmy Choos.
taking them off cause i feel a fool, trying to dress up when im missing you.
ima step out of this lingerie, curl up in a ball with something Hanes.
in bed i lay.
hey hey, nothing feels right when im not with you.
sick of this dress and these Jimmy Choos.
taking them off cause i feel a fool, trying to dress up when im mising you.(cause i miss you)
ima step out of this lingerie, curl up in a ball with something Hanes.
in bed i lay,(i would be in bed)with nothing but your T-shirt on.
said i got nothing but your T-shirt on.
hey,(cause i want to be close to you), with nothing but your T-shirt on.
i remember when, you would like to see me, with nothing but your T-shirt on.
hey,(nothing but your T-shirt on)
let me tell you know (nothing but your T-shirt on)
with nothing but your T-shirt on.

My week thus far.

2009-02-18T11:49:00.002+11:00

14th Feb @ iL Lido
15th Feb @ Expo
16th Feb @ Greenbank Park
17th Feb @ Sushi Tei

My week to come:

18th Feb @ Ms Clarity Cafe + Zouk
19th Feb @ BBDC
20th Feb @ Chalk
21st Feb @ Strait's Cafe
22nd Feb @ Bird Park

Could I do anymore?

The ex-bf tries to push my buttons pre-vday on facebook.

2009-02-14T02:38:00.000+11:00

"Thanks for letting me know the way you let me know everything big ay. Please keep up the wall of silence and know that you're doing everything you said you never wanted to do again. I hope you don't have to keep crying yourself to sleep"

Asshole.

The great influenza.

2009-02-12T13:05:00.001+11:00

On periods.

2009-02-09T02:24:00.002+11:00

I drift drastically from reverie to despondence astonishingly quickly when my period's around the corner.

Truth of the matter is most breakups and get-togethers happen during my periods. Coincidence, considering there's a 5/28 +/- 7 day chance of things happening during this period? I highly doubt it.

I've even considered being on the pill to keep my hormones under control. It's been voted against so far. Which reminds me, I need to get myself vax-ed for ovarian cancer. Buy time to prolong this little life of mine.

So how does someone who do not vent readily on someone else cope? The answer is she vents it on herself, causing more loss of self esteem causing feelings of unworthiness and undeservance (made-up word). This can't be healthy - there has to be some study in some friggin journal which shows females with high hormonal production is positively correlated to being a widow/divorcee. And yours truly is not exactly wanting that.

But if i were simpler does that necessarily mean i would be nice fat happy and secure in a relationship?

Do I miss singlehood? - No.

Do I do well in a r/s? - No.

And you see how dangerous that is treading in middle ground not exactly being settled on either side of the fence?

"Get off the fence" he says.
I am - but i don't deny i'm leaving a palm on that fence. Grow up maybe. Do we ever?

Grow up, grow up.

Is there a simpler way?

Learn to like yourself. Learn to enjoy being yourself.
The spirit yearns to be shapeless and have no form.

I want to belong somewhere.

Today I put down my mother for her wanting me to buy her a terrace house when i started working. She's unhappy with me. I have to hold my ground for practicality's sake. But I still feel terrible for disappointing her with just words.

Do you not see I'm a filial child? I do everything you ask without a fight. Let me in for once?

I lost my train of thought.

Picture post near past and present.

2009-02-09T01:37:00.003+11:00

You break wind.

2009-02-08T20:56:00.000+11:00

I like you so much better when you're naked - Ida Maria

2009-02-03T02:07:00.003+11:00

Oh the clever
Things I should say to you
They got stuck somewhere
Stuck between me and you

Oh I'm nervous
I don't know what to do
Light a cigarette
I only smoke when I'm with you

What the hell do I do this for?
You're just another guy
OK, you're kinda sexy
But you're not really special

But I won't mind
If you take me home
Come on, take me home

But I wont mind
If you take off all your clothes
Come on, take 'em off

'Cause I like you so much better when you're naked
I like me so much better when you're naked
I like you so much better when you're naked
I like me so much better when you're naked.

Everybody needs some encouragement in life.

2009-01-29T01:16:00.001+11:00

Family portrait.

2009-01-28T00:29:00.003+11:00

On bad dreams.

2009-01-19T12:45:00.002+11:00

I wonder what these past series of dreams over the last 3 nights have been about.

They mainly involve my bf's ex gf and me crashing left hand drive cars with brakes that don't work. (I wake up before I die from the accident)

Morbid as they are, anyone care to enlighten me?

Missing the point.

2009-01-18T14:04:00.000+11:00

When it comes to my family...

2009-01-13T01:39:00.003+11:00

I worry.
A lot.
I'm a worrier when it comes to my family.
So don't ask me not to.
Because I don't know how.

Shuyi's tai-tai 22nd.

2009-01-11T02:34:00.003+11:00

Sorry for the photo drought. This series actually unfortunately included some boob slipping which was immediately removed from facebook. Unfortch I'm not sure how many people were fortunate/unfortunate enough to catch it. WOOOAAAHH.

Flaws and all.

2009-01-05T21:54:00.001+11:00

I'm a train wreck in the morning
I'm a bitch in the afternoon
Every now and then without warning
I can be really mean towards you
I'm a puzzle yes in deed
Ever complex in every way
And all the pieces aren't even in the box
And yet, you see the picture clear as day.

I don't know why you love me
And that's why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
And that's why I love you

I neglect you when I'm working
When I need attention I tend to nag
I'm a host of imperfection
And you see past all that
I'm a peasant by some standards
But in your eyes I'm a queen
You see potential in all my flaws
and that's exactly what I mean...

I don't know why you love me
And that's why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
and that's why I love you

For the new year...

2009-01-04T01:21:00.001+11:00

Carmen wants to learn to be that bit more of an optimist and strongly believes that this year is going to be different.

Anyone with me?

On Parenthood.

2009-01-03T01:35:00.001+11:00

I know I'm going to be a decent parent in the future because I'm already required to be one now.

And fuck it's hard.

Carms, please remember.

2008-12-28T13:41:00.001+11:00

That he is not the enemy.
What you really are fighting with is yourself.
Together you can change the world.
Love.

On scars.

2008-12-26T11:47:00.002+11:00

I have slow healing scars.
Patches of purple and blue all over my extremities.

I have slow healing scars.
Slashes of crimson red all over my heart.

One moment a princess,
And the other,
With tongues of fire lapping on the gown of black and white,
Stripped of dignity.
Drawing out the blood from my veins,
Poisoning my lungs with smoke.

Crumble, like apple.
Say the words and I paralyse neck down.
Wish I could numb the mind.

Darkness creeps and shakes me violently
like a ragdoll
Awakening me from sleep,
Tearing me further and further away from childhood.

Is this what growing up entails?
If it is I may rather remain undeveloped,
Unwrinkled, and untainted.
Like how a fetus knows only how to curl.

So wait till they granulate,
Wait for the healing
Be kind, please.
Till you rip it all up over and over again.

White Horse.

2008-12-19T12:37:00.003+11:00

Say you're sorry
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to
As I pace back and forth all this time
'Cause
I honestly believed in you
Holding on,
The days drag on
Stupid girl
I should have known, I should have known

That I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

Baby I was naïve,
Got lost in your eyes
I never really had a chance.
My mistake i didn't know to be in love you had to fight to have the upper hand.
I had so many dreams about you and me.
Happy endings;
Now I know

I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness,
Begging for me
Just like I always wanted,
But I'm so sorry

Cause Im not your princess
This aint a fairytale
Im gonna find someone, Some day
Who might actually treat me well.
This is a big world,
That was a small town
There in my rearview mirror,
Disappearing now.
And it's too late for you and your White Horse
Now its too late for you and your White Horse
To catch me now.

Oh whoa whoa whoa-oh
Try and catch me now
Whoa-Oh
It's too late
To catch me now.

21 finally comes. Hee.

2008-12-05T13:03:00.003+11:00

If you are who you say you are, a Superstar - then have no fear.

2008-12-02T12:02:00.002+11:00

I'm home!

2008-11-30T06:44:00.002+11:00

A few disturbing farm pictures first:

Coming home tomorrow.

2008-11-28T14:57:00.001+11:00

Tasmania was awesome - facebook tells all.

I decided to be the better person.
That's all you need to know.

Heart - David Choi

2008-11-21T09:25:00.000+11:00

I have a heart too
That can break and melt
Like everybody else
I have a heart too
That can be loved
That wants to be loved
By you

Skype speaks.

2008-11-21T00:07:00.001+11:00

"The connection is lost."

Two faced.

2008-11-20T18:43:00.000+11:00

I don't know which side of me to believe in anymore.

In my great weakness.

2008-11-20T13:16:00.003+11:00

I can't get used to this.
Holding on to what I can't see
And just let everything be.

I can't get used to this.
Thinking I make things hard
And sleeping with a glass heart.

I can't get used to this.
I wasn't made to be strong
I hate being wrong.

I can't get used to this.
Not being worth fighting for
Not being able to give more.

I can't get used to this.
Sleeping alone in the quiet night
When we just had a big fight.

I can't get used to this.
Not being held when I cry
Just barely scraping by.

In my great weakness,
I can't get used to this.

Hitting the rut.

2008-11-18T23:37:00.001+11:00

This intolerance feels almost amazing. Oh how fickle I am.

On exams and stress.

2008-11-15T15:28:00.002+11:00

"I do not wish to lose the fear of exams, please."

Sigh. Carmen you're too chilled-out for your own good. Really.

Tonight may or may not be the 1st of my 21st birthday dinners. Strangely, I am quite happy that you are not the first I'm having celebrating my birthday with.

Maybe because if I did, the others would pale in comparison.

Vote stats.

2008-11-14T11:27:00.002+11:00

So at current the votes are as such:

Ms-afro-1978: 1 vote
Ms-broken necked-1976: 0 votes
Ms-stepford-wife-1968: 1 vote (Made it to wallpaper in someone's phone)
Ms-could-you-be-rounder-1966: 0 votes (We hate blondes)
Ms-hawt-mama-1964: 3 votes

Ooo. The controversy.

Vote now.

2008-11-13T17:24:00.003+11:00

Ms 1978:

Ms 1976:

Ms 1968:

Ms 1966:

Ms 1964:

Dog-nap buddy.

2008-11-12T21:10:00.001+11:00

I miss having a dog around.

Damien Rice: 9 crimes. Featuring Lisa Hannigan.

2008-11-11T10:02:00.000+11:00

Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you
It's the wrong time
For somebody new
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse

Is that alright?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright?
If u don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright
With you?

Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be cheating on you
It's the wrong time
She's pulling me through
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse

Is that alright?
I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright?
If you dont shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright?
I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright
Is that alright with you?

Is that alright?
I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright?
If you don't shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright?
If I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright
Is that alright with you?

Is that alright?
Is that alright?
Is that alright with you?
Is that alright?
Is that alright?
Is that alright with you?

No...

Just for post exam laughs - Kev Jumba

2008-11-10T13:36:00.000+11:00

Needless to say, Stephen Pastis does not fail to deliver.

2008-11-08T20:50:00.004+11:00

Just some thoughts.

2008-11-08T00:22:00.002+11:00

Been unduly uncomfortable the past week. Reasons possibly being that I feel the lack of companionship and there has been an unfortunate incident with the bf in Japan. Also, people draw lines and label you once you are in a relationship, limiting a lot of time you can spend with people, or they deem appropriate. And I'm not blaming it on the fact that I am in a r/s..the bf seems to be able manage a blast of a time whilst we are apart. I suppose circumstances do not allow me to meet new people at the moment.

In simple terms - I am feeling isolated. And it is nobody's fault. If anything, it's just a season which I'm hoping will resolve soon. I don't do too well alone.

And there's no other way to describe it.

Carmen's 21st and Amoz's 18th

2008-11-06T22:15:00.003+11:00

Just in case I left out anyone on facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=38677946289

And if facebook is not your thing:

Simply, PLEASE COME TO OUR BIRTHDAY PARTY.

When?!
6th Dec 2008

What time?!
7pm

Where?!
Ericsson Pet Farm

How I know where?!
16 Pasir Ris Farmway 2, Singapore 519316

Got food not?!
Got.

Got drink not?!
Got.

Wear what?!
What you're wearing now.

N.B Don't ask me why my alter ego is an ah beng.

Just one more for my 999th blog post ever.

2008-11-06T16:07:00.002+11:00

[I can get used to this - David Choi]

I kept all of my feelings locked inside of me
Finally found someone to trust with everything
Oh I try so hard, always to be a man, but right now I just cant understand
How I cant control, I think loves got a hold on me

Such a foreign feeling but you know
I can get used to this
I can get used to this
I can get used to this now
Comfortable and feels so real
I can get used to this
Stuck in this happiness
I Can Get Used to This now

I think this is the first time Ive ever felt like this
And found someone that I would never want to miss
I feel like a child
I get butterflies
Sorry this is the only way to describe
Think Ill let it go, let this love get a hold on me

Such a foreign feeling but you know
I can get used to this
I can get used to this
I can get used to this now
Comfortable and feels so real
I can get used to this
Stuck in this happiness
I Can Get Used to This now

Loves feels so good
Better than I thought it would

Such a foreign feeling but you know
I can get used to this
I can get used to this
I can get used to this now
Comfortable and feels so real
I can get used to this
Stuck in this happiness
I Can Get Used to This now

A poem for me.

2008-11-06T13:55:00.003+11:00

I just need to give you a protecting hug 
And I know you will feel safe and snug 
Best friends forever we will be
 You always let my rhymes flow free  

A smile on my face you know the reason why
 I am not a perfect friend but I try 
Helping people is what I try to do 
When I first said hello I knew  

Our friendship has grown so fast
 And I know in my heart that it will last 
You are my inspiration to write 
And my star that gives me light

  I know if we try we can do anything 
We can write any poem there's not a song we cant sing 
I will always be there when you are ready to fall
 Please grab my hand and we can climb this wall  

I will give you one protective hug
 To make you feel so safe and snug 
Best friends we will always be

Keep breathing - Ingrid Michaelson

2008-11-05T23:20:00.003+11:00

The storm is coming but I don't mind.
People are dying, I close my blinds.

All that I know is I'm breathing now.

I want to change the world... instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

Sky - Joshua Radin feat Ingrid Michaelson (...because I am sooky)

2008-11-02T22:20:00.001+11:00

I woke
Dreaming we had broke
Dreaming you left me
For someone new

And you cried
Drying those brown eyes
Crying you're sorry
Sorry won't do, but...

This is the way I need to wake
I wake to you
And you never left me
All that I'd dreamt had been untrue
Open my eyes
I see sky

Oh, oh, oh woah, you know
The way to keep me on my toes
I, I, I will be fine
Just say you'll stay forever mine
Till we fall asleep tonight

Last night
We had a great fight
I fell asleep in a horrible state
Then dreamt
That you loved my best friend
My heart would not mend
Seemed it was fake, but

This is the way I need to wake
I wake to you
And you never left me
All that I'd dreamt had been untrue
Open my eyes
I see sky

Oh, oh, oh woah, you know
The way to keep me on my toes
I, I, I will be fine
Just say you'll stay forever mine
'Til we fall asleep tonight

Sometimes I forget to
Love you like I should
But I'd never leave you
No, I never would
I never would

Oh, oh, oh woah, you know
The way to keep me on my toes
I, I, I will be fine
Just say you'll stay forever mine

Oh, oh, oh woah, you know
The way to keep me on my toes
I, I, I will be fine
Just say you'll stay forever mine
'Til we fall asleep tonight
'Til we fall asleep tonight

Can't find the words.

2008-11-02T16:30:00.003+11:00

Drive away my heart

2008-11-01T22:51:00.001+11:00

Drive Away My Heart Tonight - Ida Maria

Fear is no longer in time
Fear is no longer hanging around
You should capture my view
Cause I don't want nothing else but you

You can treat me like you please
Baby, it's ok with me
Leave me bleeding on the floor
From my heart, from my heart's core

Oh, drive away my heart tonight
Cause it is no loner mine
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Drive away my heart tonight
Cause it's no longer mine

I wanna give you love
I wanna show you love
And so love will be my grave
Love will be my grave

Oh, drive away my heart tonight
Cause it is no longer mine
Drive away my heart onight
Cause it's no longer mine

Childhood haunts.

2008-10-30T16:28:00.002+11:00

Recently I realised that the guy I've been playing basketball with for the past two months is a childhood friend from Thailand:

Eric Kwong and his sister Sylvia was our neighbour, came from the same school, shared a schoolbus, and swam with us almost everyday. It wasn't till I saw this very facebook picture that I realised that fate had crudely dumped us in the same place at the same time with us as oblivious as fish in a pond.

Flashbacks came from that very pool in Thailand when our only worries then was the temperature of the water in the afternoon...

Setting the bar high for proposal.

2008-10-28T20:48:00.006+11:00

So Ben's gf had gone on her Europe trip with her friends. And Ben had surprised her by flying to Europe and arranging for her to be at the Eiffel tower, and a photographer to capture the action. Ben catches her unaware while she peels her orange.

Ben proposes at the foot of the Eiffel tower as you do, with everyone looking on.

Talk about an early start.

2008-10-27T17:48:00.001+11:00

Liking very much.

2008-10-27T12:41:00.000+11:00

First Love - Adele (I'm addicted to tragedy.)

2008-10-21T13:20:00.004+11:00

So little to say but so much time,
despite my empty mouth the words are in my mind.
Please wear the face, the one where you smile,
because you lighten up my heart when I start to cry.

Forgive me first love, but I'm tired.
I need to get away to feel again.
Try to understand why, don't get so close to change my mind.
Please wipe that look out of your eyes, it's bribing me to doubt myself;
simply, it's tiring.

This love has dried up and stayed behind,
and if I stay I'll be alive,
then choke on words I'd always hide.
Excuse me first love, but we'™re through.
I need to taste the kiss from someone knew.

Forgive me first love, but I'm too tired.
I'm bored to say the least and I, I lack desire.
Forgive me first love, forgive me first love, forgive me first love, forgive me first love, forgive me, forgive me first love, forgive me first love

We're allowed as many posts as we want/day. Take advantage.

2008-10-20T00:49:00.000+11:00

Loving my new music.

What a wonderful weekend. All fuzzy inside.

Kai xin guos.

2008-10-20T00:36:00.005+11:00

Meet Yan:

The biggest cutie of them all.

Michael the rocker:

Zim the terrorist:

Rude, much?

2008-10-19T22:51:00.003+11:00

After a mega weekend of doing too much and hanging out with people I don't usually am with, I've morbidly concluded that:

1. I am really quite rude and people think it's funny.
2. I am not the kind of friend who you can expect lovely birthday presents, notes and cookies from.
3. Neither will I remember your birthday in the first place.

It's a wonder I still have friends.

Will you come, please?

2008-10-14T17:00:00.002+11:00

So tentatively I'm having my 21st on the 6th December.

I am that bit concerned that people would not turn up, because I have not been the best keep-in-toucher.

But anyway, just a heads up that this is happening. So please put it down in your organiser.

And if you're coming from overseas, book flight tickets. Now.

Happy birthday bf's ex-gf.

2008-10-13T17:03:00.004+11:00

Themed: Food, the birthday girl appropriately dressed up as a soya sauce bottle. I thought it was ingenious!

Personal favourites:

Uncle Tony from Frosties

Grapes

Watermelon

Me? I came as myself - delicious.

Wahahahahah.

Missing you.

2008-10-12T19:04:00.002+11:00

New hongkie friends.

2008-10-09T19:12:00.001+11:00

See the beng-ish looking guys sitting on either side of me?

On the Left is Klemen.
On the Right is Spenser.

They are very Hongkie.
And they are my new basketball ah beng friends in Sydney.

Everybody needs ah beng friends in their lives.

Engagement

2008-10-09T12:35:00.003+11:00

Jian's close friend Lucas Gillman is engaged! At 22!

WOO!

...Yay.

.....................scary.

Death from a heavy burden.

2008-10-06T18:56:00.000+11:00

Sometimes...

2008-10-05T18:34:00.000+11:00

It's not about WHAT you know.

It's about WHO you know.

Horse farm

2008-10-05T15:13:00.002+11:00

That's where I disappeared to the last week.
Lots of horse sex and poo - just about sums up a horse stud.

I'm bored with this part of the year. I want to go home already.
I'm that agitated soul that can't be in that one place doing the same thing being in the same relationships all the time.
It makes me cranky.
YOU know what I mean.

I kid you not.

2008-09-24T16:33:00.003+10:00

I'm having the longest period of my life.

Variation on the Word Sleep

2008-09-21T23:14:00.000+10:00

I would like to watch you sleeping.
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head

and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun and three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear

I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center. I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and you enter
it as easily as breathing in

I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
and that necessary

Margaret Atwood

Let sleeping dogs lie.

2008-09-18T14:57:00.000+10:00

and...awesome Kaya prata in sydney.

I'm trying my best

2008-09-14T17:14:00.002+10:00

...But i'm so drained now.

I get cranky at night without you.

2008-09-09T17:58:00.001+10:00

And you stole my Scrubs disc 3 and 4. Bugger.

Jian in Japan.

2008-09-03T21:14:00.003+10:00

Babys Romance - Chris Garneau

I don't know how I let myself or how you ever made me miss you like that. God speed my love to you.

Pose: Someone may be watching.

2008-08-25T09:02:00.001+10:00

20th Aug Sugaroom MJ's birthday.

Happy 365th day.

2008-08-18T22:50:00.005+10:00

I think it's a good relationship if both party's close ones comment, regarding the opposite party, that they can't believe you were able to put up with them for so long.

Also, happy birthday 21st MJ, I love you.

Also, random photo sent by dad over some parakeet competition he organised with some celebrities I vaguely recognise but don't really make me excited.

Chris Garneau

2008-08-10T01:02:00.002+10:00

He brings me to that place.

Recovering from food poisoning.

...Also...

You can't ask someone why he loves you. It's like why you feel so much emotion for a particular song. Or painting. Or place.
You like the way your ugly hands fit in his palm.
You fulfill that vague criteria of that partner, then you let him do the loving.

Photos I need to get rid of from my desktop onto blogspot.

2008-08-07T22:19:00.005+10:00

Visits from Aunch and Val

Hillcrest farm

Having returned from the farms...

2008-07-29T23:52:00.004+10:00

It's basically a mad rush trying to get settled for uni but yet having to jet back to Singapore to sign the surety forms for the scholarship while organising meet-ups with the people who matter in Singapore.

In between I managed to fit in Batman and catch up with Joshua Park which left me terribly messed up. I can't get my head around uni, group meetings, Singapore, family, tax, birthdays, love, insecurity all at once. I want to keep it simple but the tsunami of things to do is inevitably going to include emotions and irrationality in its mayhem. The consequences of being someone engaged in deep relationships.

One moment you're floating, the other you're sinking.

I promise you pretty pictures when I get myself sorted/give up.

Darren's 21st Saga

2008-07-17T13:09:00.006+10:00

..so much love.

Teeth constipation.

2008-07-17T11:48:00.002+10:00

I somehow dreamt that all my teeth were falling out of their sockets.
It was as if I were back as a kid, fiddling with the loose teeth with my tongue.
It wasn't a pleasant feeling, especially the dangling of teeth on a bit of gum tissue.

I'm so constipated :(

Professional looking shots from Halfway dinner

2008-07-16T21:40:00.003+10:00

It's confirmed.

2008-07-11T17:45:00.000+10:00

FLIGHT IN:
Thu 31 Jul 08 16:55 Sydney 22:45 Singapore QF31

FLIGHT OUT:
Mon 4 Aug 08 19:50 Singapore 05:10 (Tue) Sydney QF6

Kiama Berry cold road trip

2008-07-10T21:41:00.003+10:00

I drove. A lot. It was fun.