[It's officially true...]
You really do feel stoned when you get stoned.
Hmm.
Saturday, November 14, 2009, 1:33 PM
[I am truly fucked up.]
Sunday, October 04, 2009, 7:38 AM
[Resurrection. Part 2 after I was interrupted.]
You know how dreams are sometimes fuzzy and you don't see a whole lot of detail?
Mine wasn't. It was clear as day.
The cruel thing was that he brought me to the fast food chain that the stupid slut was working at. I didn't realise that that was his way of trying to tell me that he was cheating on me. She kept sitting across from him (me to his right) and talking to him in this endearing japanese. The whole time he didn't say a single word. She was fetching drinks for him and just gazing at him the whole time i was glaring at him. Reached a certain point I got up and out and she followed me. I spun around and was yelling at her 'what the fuck are you doing?' Then I started pushing her and pinching her till tears well up in her eyes - but i couldn't bring myself to be rougher on her - she was the pale skinny doe eyed eyeliner laden type. By this point zim had come out of the fast food chain and was looking on. 'Is this what you always do?! Is this what you do! How many relationships do you want to break up already?!' She put a pale hand to her mouth and turned to zimmy who touched the top of her head and slid his hand down to her pony tail. She offered her pinky to him, like a secret handshake, and he took it. 'What does that mean!!! What does that mean!'
I woke up sobbing heavily, feeling out of control and betrayed.
The next morning I made zim apologise to me for the dream. We laughed about it. But here I am at 7 on a Sunday morning feeling the tightness in my chest and the tears welling up in my eyes. Feeling worried.
I try to think things through logically. And I wish I weren't that delusional. Some part of me feels like i'm abnormal - and i'm willing myself to be normal and think sane. Normal = oblivious to my surging emotions? I don't know where the mood swings come from, and i'm told everyone feels it. But if they could put a scale to it, mine would be from here to mars and back. It's such a relationship wrecker. Zim's been pretty patient with me so far - there'll be a day where he won't. Everyone loses it from time to time.
Talk about the fear of losing someone. I think mine has manifested into a phobia. It almost undermines the person itself - I'm more afraid about being cheated on than about losing that particular person itself. Selfish bitch much? Let's blame it on something.
, 7:35 AM
[Resurrection.]
I cry for no apparent reason almost every day.
I wonder sometimes if I'm sick in the head or something. My tear glands are ultra sensitive and I won't be surprised if they were hyperplasic.
Thursday, July 02, 2009, 11:54 PM
[I've got the swine flu.]
I was given Tamiflu and when I wikipedia-ed it I found out that one of the major side effects of Tamiflu was neurological signs. Like self harm and abnormal behaviour and hallucinations. Well I personally am feeling very high levels of irritability which conveys on to the boyfriend, who believes it is a psychological issue. What an irony.
Which leads me to my rant about how I have had in the past 24 hours extremely high levels of irritance (another made up word) from the relationship between my friends and the boyfriend. My friends, now, instead of texting or messaging me, are starting to do it via the bf. And for whatever reason it is that it irritates me I'm still unclear. Insecurity? Tamiflu? Insecurity heightened by the Tamiflu? You be the judge.
As for my health, I still feel wheezy but at least the fever is gone (we had a fight about how I was feeling cold and wanted to keep warm but he insisted we blew a fan in my face - I told him i needed a boyfriend not a father). I am not going to die because of swine flu but the main concern is me spreading it to someone who is going to and hastening that process.
Anyway thus ends my bitter neurological post. Who'd knew after so many years the bitch in me could come back so quickly just like that. ....Or it could be the Tamiflu.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009, 10:41 AM
[It takes everything in my power...]
Despite many doubtful comments, I got it for a STEAL from ebay for AUD 570, half of which is sponsered by Zimmybhai because in effect while he was trying to tweak my htc Diamond it died right in the palm of his hand. RIP :(
Quick update on what's happening if anyone is ever interested anymore...I'm taking my LAST exam in Sydney campus tmr...thereafter is a whirlwind of things happening of winter which kind of includes me and 3 mates taking an 8 hour road trip for our abattoir placement, moving to the country for my large animal lectures/pracs, going to brisbane for choob's graduation, zimmybhai's family visit, and me missing out on Tetsuya for zimmybhai's birthday.
What's Tetsuya? It's one of St-friggin-Pellegrino's top 10 restaurants in the world! 13 course AUD195 pp of grastronomical orgasm. :( One day i'll be back for ya, my japanese delight.
In more depth, am I happier? ...Yea
Do I still cry a lot? ...Yea
Am I more confident? ...Sure
Do I still believe in relationships? ...Sometimes more than others
But you know what? I'm still trying.
It's hard...this events that have been thrown in my path. But i'm barging on. I'm going to be a vet. I'm going to get married. I'm going to STAY married.
Other minor details?
Family's moved! Northoak @ Admiralty.
Kinda sad considering I spent a large part of my life @ CCK, falling in love, playing ball, roaming the streets, studying @ Mac. It's kinda weird not living there so close to the people who became a huge part of my life. But i suppose love will conquer the distance, albeit being cliche.
Back to Surgery! Ta!
Sunday, June 07, 2009, 10:48 AM
[Turning the wet side on the pillow down.]
Monday, April 27, 2009, 11:03 AM
[Bags a pretty.]
Leather is yummy.
